Massage Parlors: What Really Goes On Behind Closed Doors?

The sheer mention of a massage parlor brings hushed tones and sometimes even a little snicker or two, but what really goes on at these establishments?  I recently sent one of my guy friends (John*) undercover to a couple of these places to bring the lowdown to you, my loyal readership and my guy friend was more than happy to accommodate such a request.  Was it a happy ending?  Keep reading.

John’s first stop was to a place in a slightly seedy part of the San Fernando Valley in Southern California that promotes itself as an “Oriental Aromatherapy Infused Spa.” John showed up without an appointment and for a $100 session, was escorted to a private room by the receptionist minutes later.  “I was instructed to disrobe and then lay down on the table in the center of the room,” John says.  “A couple minutes later, an Asian woman in her mid-thirties came in with a couple vials of aromatherapy, waived them under my nose and then walked out.  After laying there for a few minutes, I got the impression that maybe that’s the most excitement I was going to get out of the session and decided to get dressed, with my woody in tow and report back to the front desk.  Sure enough, that’s all my $100 was going to buy me at this place.  After rightfully complaining to the manager that I felt ripped off, I was refunded my money and sent on my way.”

So, at this point we’re 0 for 1 and John’s blue balls are growing by the second.  He called me with the 411 just as I had got the inside info on another place over in Studio City, near Hollywood.  I hadn’t planned on sending John to two places in one day.  I mean, after all, how many massages and orgasms can one 37 year-old man handle in such a short period of time, but considering that the first place had John leaving before he even got to relax a muscle, I gave him the number to the next place and told him to call ahead and schedule a session.

Now, as I mentioned, I had just gotten some background information on this particular place.  It’s located near some of the major studios and TV lots (Warner Bros., Universal, CBS, NBC, Disney and ABC), lending itself to more of an upscale clientele in the entertainment industry and the who’s who of society’s upper crust.

So, John shows up for his scheduled session and is directed to a private room by Mary,* the parlor manager, and is instructed to disrobe. “Moments after I enter the room and begin undressing, I am greeted by a massage therapist in her 20s – blonde, slightly chubby – about 5’ tall.  She flashes a smile and we exchange hellos.  I get a warm sense that things are going to go as anticipated this time around because she takes her top off as soon as I lay down on the massage table.  She begins massaging my shoulders with her breasts, her very ample breasts, grazing my arms and the top of my head as she moves around the table.  About twenty minutes into the hour session, she has me flip over and immediately begins massaging my man-muscle.  Pow!  Full ecstasy!  After cleaning me up, she mentions that I am welcome to use the shower in the room and then left so that I could have a moment or two by myself.  I certainly intend on visiting this place again!”

So, it looks like John’s day ended with a happy ending after all.  Here are some additional tips to keep in mind, courtesy of two massage therapists in the hospitality business:

-        If a patron is unclear as to whether the establishment offers a full service experience, nix using a towel to cover your private parts up with.  If you are asked to cover up, that’s an immediate sign that there will be no form of pleasure outside of a standard massage for you during the session.

-        If you are laying face down and she reaches between your legs and massages the shaft of your penis or strokes your balls, she’s signaling to you that you’ll be getting a full experience once you are asked to flip over.

-        If she doesn’t disrobe, or at least go topless, chances are you won’t be getting any action.

-        If the therapist gets right down to business as soon as the session begins and you aren’t quite ready to be done and over just yet, some therapists will still give you a full hour session and will just let you rest in between orgasms.

Well, there you have it, guys.  An insider’s look at massage parlors straight from the horse’s mouth.  Send in your own massage parlor experiences and perhaps we’ll do a follow-up piece in the coming months.

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